18 Oct 2026 · Akintunde Idowu
The wrong exposure can quietly reshape your appetite and your judgement. A direct word to young people about guarding their hearts, recognising unhealthy dependence and not despising honest beginnings.
Dear Tribe,
I recently listened to a relationship teaching at Harvesters International Christian Centre. The pastor spoke about young women who become involved with older, wealthier married men. These men expose them to a lifestyle that many young single men cannot afford: expensive gifts, large allowances, premium apartments, cars, holidays and all the comfort that money can provide. When the relationship ends, the woman may struggle to appreciate a man her age who is still building his life. During the conversation, someone responded, “Men dey.”
It was funny in the moment, but there is something serious underneath it.
As a young person, you must be careful about what you allow to shape your appetite. Exposure does not leave you the same. Once you become used to a certain kind of treatment or lifestyle, it begins to feel normal, even when it was never appropriate for your age or stage of life. Someone gives you one million naira casually, and before long, one million no longer looks like serious money. Someone pays your rent, changes your phone and funds every outing, and you begin to believe that this is the basic standard every man must meet.
The problem is that you may be comparing a young man’s beginning with the established life of someone who has been working and building for twenty or thirty years. Of course the older man has more money. Of course he can afford things that the younger man cannot. But money is not the only thing you should be looking at when choosing who deserves access to your life.
This is why the Bible says, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” Guarding your heart is not only about avoiding heartbreak. It is also about protecting your judgement. You must guard what influences your desires, what you become dependent on and what you gradually begin to call normal.
A relationship can alter your standards without you noticing. At first, you are simply enjoying the gifts. Later, you find that you can no longer relate comfortably with someone who cannot provide them. You may meet a responsible, disciplined and hardworking young man, but because he cannot immediately give you the lifestyle you experienced elsewhere, you conclude that he has nothing to offer.
You are no longer looking at his character, direction or capacity to grow. You are judging him by the benefits another man used to provide.
There is a difference between having standards and developing an appetite that your own life cannot sustain. Wanting a responsible man is not wrong. Wanting stability is not wrong. But if your idea of stability is based entirely on what someone must buy for you, you may overlook the things that actually hold a marriage together.
You also need to recognise when generosity is being used to create dependence. Some people will give you so much that leaving them begins to feel impossible. They pay for your home, discourage you from working, distance you from your friends and make themselves the centre of your life. By the time you realise that the relationship is unhealthy, you no longer know how to survive without it.
That is not the kind of exposure you need.
Do not allow anybody to give you a lifestyle that costs you your independence, confidence or ability to think clearly. If the gifts are making you afraid to say no, they are no longer gifts. If you cannot question the person because of what they do for you, something is already wrong. If leaving the relationship means your entire life will collapse, then you have allowed the person to occupy a place they should never have had.
This is particularly important when the person is already married. Whatever explanation they give you, they are not available to build a clean future with you. You may be receiving attention, money and affection, but you are also allowing your heart to become attached to someone who belongs in a covenant with another person.
Do not let temporary comfort prepare you for permanent confusion.
You may tell yourself that you will enjoy the relationship without becoming emotionally involved. That is often not how the heart works. Familiarity grows. Dependence grows. Expectations grow. Before long, you are waiting for someone who was never truly available, while ignoring the honest possibilities around you.
The teaching also described predators, hunters and farmers. A predator looks for vulnerability and uses it. A hunter enjoys the pursuit but may lose interest after getting what he wants. A farmer sees potential and is willing to cultivate it.
You need enough discernment to know the difference.
The predator may look generous because he quickly meets your immediate needs. The hunter may look romantic because he pursues you intensely. He sends gifts, calls constantly and makes dramatic promises. But intensity is not always commitment, and generosity is not always love.
A farmer may not come with as much noise. He may ask questions about your plans, encourage you to work, help you think through decisions and challenge habits that are holding you back. He may not have everything yet, but he has direction, discipline and the willingness to build.
Still, do not use the word “farmer” to excuse stinginess, control or disrespect. Someone helping you to grow should not be taking away your voice. You are not a project for another human being to manage. A healthy relationship should make both people stronger, wiser and more responsible.
Ask yourself what the relationship is producing in you. Are you becoming more disciplined or more entitled? Are you learning to build, or only learning to receive? Are you growing in confidence, or becoming afraid to make decisions without the person? Are you still able to hear correction from the people who genuinely care about you?
Those questions will tell you more than the price of the gifts.
Young men also need to hear this. Do not destroy yourself trying to compete financially with older men. You do not need to pretend to have money you have not earned or enter debt to prove that you are serious. Build your life. Become responsible. Learn how to communicate, keep your word and treat women with honour. Money matters, but money without character will eventually become another problem.
For young women, do not despise honest beginnings. This does not mean you should settle for a man without direction, discipline or responsibility. Potential is not an excuse for laziness. But learn to recognise the difference between someone who is building and someone who is merely talking.
Men dey, but that does not mean every man deserves access to you. It also does not mean you should panic and accept whatever comes because you are afraid of being single. Fear can make a person mistake attention for love and financial provision for commitment.
Take your time. Build your own life. Learn contentment. Do not allow another person’s money to become the foundation of your identity. The more capable you are of standing on your own, the easier it becomes to choose relationships from wisdom rather than desperation.
This is not about lowering your standards. It is about making sure your standards are built around the right things. Look for character, faithfulness, responsibility, wisdom and direction. Pay attention to how someone handles disappointment, money, boundaries and correction. These things will matter long after the flowers have dried and the gifts have become ordinary.
Men dey. But while you are looking, guard your heart, protect your judgement and do not let the wrong exposure teach you to reject what is good.
On 21 November 2026, the Tribe will gather at the Great Impact Baptist Church Main Auditorium in Bariga, Lagos, for the Teen Innovators Challenge 2026 Build Day & Grand Finale. The programme runs from 8.00 am to 3.00 pm. Admission is free, but online registration is required.
