There is a difficult truth at the heart of Carnegie's third section: you cannot win an argument. Not in the way most people mean winning. You might prove your point. You might leave the room knowing you were right. But what you almost certainly will not do is change the other person's mind — because they now resent you for making them feel stupid or wrong. And resentment is not the same as agreement. Carnegie lists nine principles for getting people to agree with you, but the first and most important is this: the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Here is what he suggests instead. First, show respect for the other person's opinion. Never say: you are wrong. Even when they are. That phrase triggers the same defensive response as a physical attack — the person's ego closes like a fist, and they will fight you regardless of the evidence. Instead, say: I may be wrong, let's look at the facts together. Second, if you ARE wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Nothing disarms people faster than someone who says, clearly and without excuses: I was wrong. You were right. I should have known better. It removes all the ammunition. The other person, expecting a fight, suddenly has nothing to push against — and often becomes generous. Third, begin in a friendly way. Even in disagreement. Your tone sets the ceiling for how the conversation can go. Emeka approaches Biodun, who made a mistake on a group project. If Emeka starts with frustration, Biodun gets defensive and nothing improves. If Emeka starts with: I know we both want this to turn out well — Biodun can actually hear him. Fourth, get the other person saying yes as quickly as possible. Start with points you agree on. Ask questions where the answer is yes. Once someone is in agreement mode, the brain is far more open to new information. Fifth, let the other person do the talking. Let them feel the idea was theirs. This takes patience. But ideas that people discover for themselves, or feel ownership over, are ideas they actually act on.